The Top 5 Funniest Things about the 2009 NBA Season so far

2009 is only a few weeks old but already NBA fans have been treated to more than our fair share of side splitting moments. The NBA: Where Unintentional Comedy Happens. Here is my top 5 in reverse order.

5) Watching Shaq try to play defense- Come on Shaq, do you really want to be remembered as the guy who couldn’t guard Andrea Bargnani? Shaq was never exactly a defensive stalwart, but watching this guy stumble around defending pick and rolls is sad . . . or hilarious if you’re a Celtics/Magic/Spurs/Lakers fan.

4) Brandon Jennings dropping 55 points on the Warriors- 55 points!?! Really? Shouldn’t Monta Ellis be fined for allowing this to happen? A 19 year old rookie point guard (the hardest NBA position to adjust to) who skips college and rides the pine in Europe for the year puts up 55 points in November in a regulation game against a guy who makes $11 million a year? Tell me again why Don Nelson won’t start Anthony Randolph?

3) Josh McRoberts’ Hair- Front view, back view. Excellent, Josh you bring honor to your clan. Assuming your clan is Amish, and not people who keep mirrors and grooming products in their house.

2) Ron Artest Throwing Away Trevor Ariza’s Shoe and Nailing a 3- Here is the video in case you missed it. Yes Ron-Ron, thank you, this goes down as one of the most brilliant moves in NBA history. What are the odds that Artest starts stepping on heels trying to dislodge shoes on a regular basis now? I mean this worked out so well, what’s stopping him? I can’t think of a single player in the league who would get in his face about it. Stern would have to get involved and create some hilariously asinine rule banning the dislodging and discarding of another player’s clothing. Keep it up Ron I’m itching to write another installment of Bringing the Crazy.

1) Stephen Jackson’s Face after learning he was traded to the Bobcats- I imagine it looked something like the face you make when someone farts in the car while you're driving home from the grocery store. As soon as the smell hits your nose your lips curl up and your brow furrows while you look around furiously searching for someone to blame. Finally your face relaxes and settles into a quizzical expression while you contemplate whether the stench will spoil the milk. Yeah, Cap’t Jack and Larry Brown, I’m sure they’ll get along just great. I bet playing with Boris Diaw will be just as much fun as playing with LeBron would be. As a Celtics fan I feel like I owe Danny Ferry a “thank you” card for not pulling the trigger on this.

-Jesse

The Reggie Miller All-Stars

Lists! Everyone loves lists! The roster of the Reggie Miller All-Stars is composed of the 9 players who I personally find to be the most annoying players in the game. What does it take to tickle my irrational hate bone? Well, it could be anything; flopping, complaining, lack of hustle, annoying facial tics, or maybe I just don’t like their face. Who knows, the point is I won’t be able to sleep until these players are given the comeuppance that only my sweet Internet justice can supply. Please note that coming off the bench for the RMAS doesn’t make you any less annoying, it just means you’re also not a very good player.

Power Forward: Rasheed Wallace- There is still something about watching Sheed argue with refs that makes me want to scream, “enough all ready we get it.” The fact that he’s usually right can only go so far to mitigate his annoying outbursts, put your hands down Sheed, and close you enormous mouth, the refs aren’t getting any better. Plus he has pointy teeth.

Center: Shaquille O’Neal- Everyone has now officially noticed that Shaq is a terrible basketball player, right? Being a huge celebrity doesn’t win NBA championships, yet somehow Shaq going to the Cavs still lands him on the cover of Sports Illustrated. The guy is a backup center at best. Also can we just stop talking about how Shaq wants to be cop? OMG can you imagine being pulled over by Shaq? LOL. Shut up.

Small Forward: James Posey- Watching James during the 2007-2008 Celtics run was both an exhilarating and frustrating experience. On one hand we had the clutch 3s and on the other hand we had the shameless flopping masquerading as shut down defense. Now that Posey has moved on to the Hornets I feel no such conflict. Posey’s patented move is the old “set the block to block screen, and then dive on the floor and yell as soon as I make contact with the defender.” Ughh.

Shooting Guard: Kobe Bryant- There are thousands of reasons why Kobe should make this list, but I’m going to choose just one. I hate, hate, hate watching an interview with Kobe because of the way he licks his lips after every sentence. If your lips are so dry go buy some freaking chapstick, just stop subjecting me to your annoying unconscious tics. I can’t be the only one who’s noticed this right?

Point Guard: Chris Paul- Did everyone who is in love with CP3 forget that he took a shot at Julius Hodge’s baby maker while the two were in the ACC? Sure Paul is a great player, but he’s also a flopper and a cheap shot artist. His patented move in the league has been to blow by his defender off the dribble, then slow down in front of them, and flop when the defender runs into his back. Plus as my friend Bill recently pointed out he looks exactly like a skinny Carlton Banks.

Bench: Joakim Noah- I just want to hold Joakim down and shave his head. How could the son of a professional tennis player and model turn out so screwy? Also there is the whole playing up to crowds on the road and swinging at cheerleaders thing.

Bench: Sasha Vujacic- At least Sasha finally got a haircut but this flopping, complaining, shoulder shrugging ninny is beyond frustrating to watch. Ray Allen lighting him on fire during the 2008 NBA Finals was one of the most satisfying moments of my basketball fandom.

Bench: Reggie Evans- Our second testicle related player! Trying to castrate Chris Kaman is enough to make this list for the rest of your life. I have nothing else to say.

Bench: Brad Miller- Miller’s face just drives me crazy. He plays the entire game with a look that is half incredulous and half holding back tears. Brad also has the stupidest tattoos in the entire league. And-1 indeed Brad.

-Jesse

A Collection of Random Observations From Opening Night in the NBA

Now in convenient bullet form!

• Manu Ginobli's head now reflects light with more radiance than the moon.
• Umm, the Magic are really freaking good. Even with Rashard Lewis suspended for the start of the season Orlando is legitimately 10 deep, no seriously they are. Brandon Bass, Jason Williams, Marcin Gortat, J.J. Reddick, and Matt Barnes all came off the pine last night. Once Lewis is back you can add Ryan Anderson to that group. The Magic's bench could be the 8th seed in the East.
• It only took 2 games for the Celtics to become bored with the regular season.
• Someone (Chris Mullin) needs to fire Don Nelson immediately, he has two of the most exciting young scorers in the NBA, and he's decided to bring them off the bench. The Anthonies (Morrow and Randolph) both absolutely set the Summer League on fire and need to start and play 40 minutes a night. Sit down Cap't Jack and Turiaf and allow the kids to shoot you in and out of every game. The Warriors aren't making the playoffs either way, they might as well trot out the most explosive offensive lineup they have and keep the fans entertained.
• Shaq's plus/minus rating against the Raptors last night in 25 minutes on the floor was -25. Teams with a pick and pop big man like Andrea Bargnani are going to kill the Cavs all year.
• With all the talent consolidated at the top of the East this year, LeBron going 1 on 5 every possession isn't going to win Cleveland a championship. The clock has now started on Mike Brown's career.
• Rasheed Wallace has now officially entered the old man "F U" mode of his career. Through two games Sheed has attempted 17 field goals, 14 of which have been 3-pointers. He's like that old guy who still plays men's league but is too old and lazy to do anything but drift around the perimeter and chuck up 3s. Anyone who thinks he is somehow a suitable replacement in the event that KG's knees fail him again is crazy. Sheed is past the point where he can be counted on as a starter on a championship contender.
• NBA refs are back! Ughh.

-Jesse

A Quick Note on the NBA Ref Strike

In the entire history of organized labor has there ever been an organization with less bargaining power than the NBA referee union? Last night as I watched the Jazz and Bulls playing a preseason game in London, I was struck by the fluidity of a game that wasn’t bogged down by constant whistles. The new refs were letting touch fouls, and a lot of body-to-body contact go, essentially forcing players to earn their buckets, instead of promoting flopping, acting and complaining like their whistle happy predecessors. The level of competence displayed by most NBA refs in the past few years has hovered somewhere between what you should expect in a JV girls game and the over 40 league at your local YMCA. Minimum wage would be too much to pay these guys.

On-court deficiencies aside, the old guard of NBA refs have also been marred by the Tim Donaghy scandal, Joey Crawford’s Tim Duncan outburst, and Dick Bavetta’s kissing bandit routine. Listen Dick, just because we let Isiah and Magic get away with this routine for so long, doesn’t mean I want to spend an entire All-Star weekend watching you awkwardly try to wrap your crusty old man lips around everyone within arm’s reach. Plus how does a "professional" referee lose a foot race to Chuck? But seriously the NBA’s on-court product has often compromised by their official’s incompetence. This strike is a chance to wipe the slate/roster clean and start fresh.

-Jesse

Bringing the Crazy Volume I: DeShawn Stevenson

In what will undoubtedly become a running feature on this site, “Bringing the Crazy” will examine a player or coach who’s doing all he can to publicly bring to shame his family. Today we’ll see how this off-season has treated DeShawn Stevenson. You may know Stevenson as the average shooting guard on the Wizards with a penchant for bad facial hair and doing that John Cena “You Can’t See Me” hand over the face every time he lucks into a good play.

Now dear reader, you might wonder what a man who once pled no contest to statutory rape could have done this off season to be worthy of such recognition. Two words my friend, facial tattoos. Ever since Mike Tyson introduced the world to the next level of insanity, bad facial tattoos have represented the holy grail of crazy. This off-season Stevenson took that leap in a big way.

From the Washington Times:

Stevenson is again sporting his beard, but vows to "keep it clean for the Wizards." He had a close cut, but had a rat-tail. He also is sporting new ink. On his right temple, along his hairline is etched LONDYN, his 1-year-old son's name. On his left cheek bone is inked the Pitsburgh Pirate's 'P', "for the Pittsburgh, that's my favorite team. Barry Bonds, when he first started." The thing about the P is, however, that it's backwards and looks more like a 9. DeShawn tried to explain, "No, if you're standing where Dom's standing and looking at me, it looks like a P." Dominic McGuire was standing directly in front of him about 10 yards away, but it still looked like a 9. I think DeShawn meant to say, "when I look in the mirror it looks like a P." The final new tat is a crack on the left side of Stevenson's forehead. He said it's because "I don't crack. I feel like people always try to break me, but I don't crack. So, I put that there."

The rat-tail alone would have been enough to announce to the world that you aren’t operating with a full deck, but a backwards P, his son’s name along his scalp and the crack in his head? Are you kidding me? That’s fantastic. What’re the odds that DeShawn never figured out that images in a mirror are reversed? Has Vegas taken that off the board yet?

DeShawn is right about one thing though, he doesn’t crack. Cracking would be too easy, you can fix cracks, cracking is for quitters. Forget cracking, if you’re going to break you might as well go for broke and split completely in half. Kudos DeShawn, the bar for crazy has been set. Who’s willing to step up? Steven Jackson the ball is in your court. How will you respond?

-Jesse

Tweet, Tweet Part II

Back at the end of June I penned a blog entry wondering why more professional athletes didn’t have someone to manage their Twitter accounts for them? With the amount of embarrassing revelations, and lack of grammar springing forth every day from Twitter it seemed like a no-brainer for busy athletes to employ a ghost-writer amongst their entourage. Apparently Nate Robinson saw my blog and took this advice to heart, or at least his lawyers did.

Nate is one of the great serial tweeters(twats?) in professional sports. Followers of nate_robinson get everything from real time updates of the score in his game of Madden, to promotion for his basketball camp, all floating in a haze on incomprehensible Internet speak. Recently Nate got in trouble with the NYPD for driving with a suspended license, and used his Twitter account to apologize to his fans, family and organization, while also thanking the officer who arrested him. However after a quick comparison of the syntax used in the apology posts with Nate’s normal Twitter fare it is painfully obvious that the apology was penned by an intern at Robinson’s lawyer’s office. This is disgraceful. I can’t believe Nate is paying these people $350 an hour to make him look less than genuine in his public apologies. Therefore being the enterprising young man that I am, I’m going to throw my hat in the ring and apply to be Vice President In Charge of Fake Online Apologies at Nate Robinson, Inc. I consider myself an expert on all things Internet (I have a blog, they don’t just give those things out to anyone) and am well versed in the lingo kids are throwing around these days. In addition to a cover letter, resume, and references (all impeccable,) I plan on submitting this writing sample based on how I would have made Mr. Robinson seem more authentic.

Actual Apology Post # 1:

I apologize to the Knicks, my family and fans.

8:14 PM Aug 18th from web

My Version:

I serry 2 evry1, fer realz.

8:14 PM Aug 18th from web

Actual Apology Post #2:

I promise to get this all cleared up.

8:15 PM Aug 18th from web

My Version:

shake n bake baby, i bet dhowerd dont need no licenz. ;) lolz

8:15 PM Aug 18th from web

Actual Apology Post #3:

Well lessonlearned pay all tix tweetpeople aight Shot out to my boy twill ves and dhud, stood by my side the whole time!!

9:11 PM Aug 18th from UberTwitter

My Version:

Well, no actually it looks like Nate was back at the helm on that one.

As you can plainly see my skills are sorely needed in the Robinson camp. Wish me luck.

-Jesse

The NBA and the Economy Volume III

Well two columns in a week sure didn’t last long. Anyway getting back at it, today I’ll look at two small market teams with very different ideas on what it means to be an NBA franchise.

The San Antonio Spurs

Off-Season Moves- The Spurs did some serious moving and shaking this off-season, and have reloaded for the last few years of Tim Duncan’s prime. Their biggest splash was rescuing Richard Jefferson from oblivion, but the Spurs also picked up Theo Ratliff, Antonio McDyess, and drafted Dejuan Blair to shore up the frontcourt. San Antonio has pushed all their chips into the middle of the table for next year, and committed over $80 million to their payroll for next season while maintaining some significant flexibility for the summer of 2010 when it drops down around to the $55 million range.

Projected Lineup

PG- Tony Parker

SG- Roger Mason

SF- Richard Jefferson

PF- Tim Duncan

C- Theo Ratliff

Bench- Manu Ginobli, McDyess, Blair, George Hill

What This Means For The Fans- The Spurs have tons of options for mixing and matching their lineups. They can go small with T.D. at center, Parker and Ginobli in the backcourt with Mason and Jefferson on the wings. Or they can go big and hammer teams on the boards with Blair, McDyess and Ratliff. Either ways Spurs fans are going to be treated to a competitive and deep team. The biggest problem for the Spurs has always been injuries, if they have their big 3 healthy, they win, a lot, if they only have a big 2, they struggle. Jefferson solves this problem by adding an insurance policy for the inevitable Ginobli or Parker injury.

Manu comes off the books this year along with most of their role players like Mike Finley and NH’s own Matt Bonner. Which means that the small market Spurs should be able to continue to compete with the big boys out West, and have the option of retooling next summer to find new running mates for Duncan.

Verdict- It’s refreshing to see a small market team understand the window they have and aggressively pursue a championship. After the disappointment of the last two seasons it would have been easy for the Spurs to slash payroll and trade off Manu and Mr. Longoria, wasting the last few years of Duncan’s career. Instead they took on payroll in a tough economy and served notice to the rest of the League that come June they’ll be in contention.

The Milwaukee Bucks

Off-Season Moves- The Bucks have been losing players left and right this summer. Villanueva took off for the Bulls, and Jefferson went to the Spurs. Other than that there really isn’t much to discuss, they drafted Brandon Jennings, and signed Hakim Warrick. Does that excite anyone? They also picked up Jodie Meeks in the 2^nd round.

Projected Lineup

PG- Luke Ridnour

SG- Michael Redd

SF- Joe Alexander

PF- Amir Johnson

C- Andrew Bogut

Bench- Luc Mbah a Moute, Brandon Jennings, Jody Meeks

What This Means For The Fans- Why would anyone watch this team? They aren’t going anywhere this year, and probably won’t be players in the free agent market next year. I mean its Milwaukee. Like the rest of the country I have never seen Jennings play, but statistically he struggled mightily in Europe last year. The Jody Meeks pick was a steal in the 2^nd round, but his upside is the 6^th or 7^th guy on a good team. I just don’t understand what the Bucks’ philosophy is. Bogut isn’t really the type of player you build around, and Redd hasn’t been healthy in years. Villanueva was a nice piece for them last year, and they had the right to make him a restricted agent this year. Instead they declined to tender him an offer and allowed the Bulls to sign him. Had they submitted an offer to Villanueva they could have lowered his price and potentially kept him, or worked out a sign-and-trade with Chicago. But that would have meant taking on payroll, a move the Bucks are clearly against. I don’t see the formation of any sort of plan to become competitive again. If Rick Pitino was the coach of this squad he would summarize the situation as follows. “GLEN ROBINSON IS NOT WALKING THROUGH THAT DOOR! SAM CASSELL IS NOT WALKING THROUGH THAT DOOR! RAY ALLEN IS NOT WALKING THROUGH THAT DOOR! THE ATTITUDE IN THIS TOWN SUCKS.”

Verdict- Bratwurst and alcohol in lethal quantities.

-Jesse

The Economy and the NBA Volume II

Lamar Odom just resigned with the Lakers and it seems as if most of the major pieces are falling into place for the upcoming season. Today I take a look at two similar teams in the West who are willing to spend money but haven’t used it wisely.

The Dallas Mavericks

Off-Season Moves- If nothing else I think that Mark Cuban has proved that this recession doesn’t affect the super rich. Cuban has long vowed to be active in the 2009 free agent market in the hope that he would catch other teams sleeping, and he has lived up to his word. Dallas has committed over $80 million towards their roster for next season, including resigning Jason Kidd, and saving the artist once known as Shawn Marion from oblivion. They also inked Quiton Rosss, and what at this point must be the disembodied voice of Tim Thomas (somewhere Derrick Coleman saw that deal and paused for just a second.) But perhaps the biggest splash the Mavericks made was the one that got away, in Marcin Gortat.

Projected Lineup

PG- Jason Kidd

SG- Josh Howard

SF- Shawn Marion

PF- Dirk Nowitzki

C- Eric Dampier

Bench- Terry, and Barea.

What This Means For The Fans- Well Cuban was good to his word, but I don’t understand the Marion signing. Did Marion’s agent burn every tape of him playing the last 2 years? Marion’s game is based almost completely on athleticism, and he has really lost a step or two or twelve. Also is this team ready to bench Dampier for good? Obviously their best lineup would be with Howard and Marion on the wings, Terry and Kidd in the backcourt, and Dirk at center. But playing Dirk at the 5 basically concedes that every team will be allowed to get the rim, while the Mavs try to get it back on the other end. That strategy may work with a coach like Don Nelson or Mike D’Antoni, but Rick Carlisle has always been known as a defensive oriented coach. Not exactly an ideal situation.

For all the money that Cuban spent this off-season, the team is still really weak off the bench. Does Carlisle really intend to float Tim Thomas’ corpse out there? I should hope not. That means his frontcourt options are down to Kris Humphries, Shawne Williams and Ryan Hollins. Yikes. I think I was one of the few people who liked the Gortat signing for Dallas. Gortat is mobile and athletic enough to protect the rim on defense, while finishing alley-oops from Kidd on the offense. Basically he’s everything that Dampier is not. For the mid-level exception I thought that was a great move.

Verdict- Well at least Cuban is trying, but for all the money spent the Mavs still don’t belong among the West’s elite. That flushing sound you hear is another year of Dirk’s prime circling down the drain.

The New Orleans Hornets

Off-Season Moves- After their surprising run in 2007-2008 the Hornets took a major step backwards last year. Every article I see about this team is that they’re hemorrhaging money and just barely hanging on in New Orleans. Obviously the big trade they made this off-season was swapping out Tyson Chandler for Emeka Okafor in a move that was aimed more at saving $2 million than winning a championship. Other than that they watched Jannero Pargo, their spark off the bench in 2008 return . . . to the Bulls, and picked up the always disappointing and undersized Ike Diogu. Not exactly stellar work.

In the draft they ended up with Darren Collison who I think is this years Mario Chalmers, an underappreciated winner in college who is solid enough to run the show in the NBA.

Projected Lineup

PG- Chris Paul

SG- Morris Peterson

SF- Peja Stojacovich

PF- David West

C- Emeka Okafor

Bench- Posey, Butler, Armstrong, Collison.

What This Means For The Fans- I think it means that the Hornets won’t be helping anyone forget about Hurricane Katrina this winter. If you still don’t have plaster on your walls, then I doubt this team will provide an extended run through the playoffs to take your mind off it. It’s frustrating because Chris Paul can be dominant, but not when he’s paired with Morris Peterson in the backcourt. Hell, I don’t even know if Mo Pete will play this year. I just threw that one out there because they don’t really have any other pure SGs on the roster, but the guy sucks. You know who else sucks? Peja, he looked completely washed up last year. But at least David West is one of the most unde. . . oh wait, nope he just became overrated. Posey’s intangibles really only help when he can be the 6 or 7^th guy on a team. When he’s your 4^th best player you’re in for trouble. The Hornets have some pieces but not the right ones. With Peja and Peterson due over $42 million for the next two years while basically just filling the line at the team buffet, this will probably be a lost season for the Hornets. Maybe they can flip those 2 expiring contracts next year for a shooting guard with a pulse.

Verdict- Who knows how long this team will be able to stick in NO. Their payroll is almost $80 million next year, but most of it is dead weight. Like the Mavs they’re in limbo out West; not good enough to contend for the title, and not bad enough to land a decent lottery pick.

-Jesse

Next Up Spurs and Bucks.

The Economy and the NBA Volume I

What a long strange trip this off-season has been (yeah I’m a hack I know. I embrace it.) Many teams are stuck in limbo as they try to avoid the luxury tax and shed contracts in hope of making a push next year during the summer of LeBron. This has led to more than a few teams simply throwing in the towel on the upcoming season, and hope that their fans are satiated with talk of Wade, Bosh or LeBron. However a few organizations have realized that the 2009-2010 season still counts and are making a push to build a championship contender.

So for the next couple of days, or until I get bored, I’m going to break down the off-season so-far for one team trying to win now, and one content to just tread water.

The Philadelphia 76ers

Off-Season Moves- In the last 3 years Philly fans have seen their team trade one the most popular players in franchise history (AI,) reemerge as a competitive team who runs the floor, hiccup when they signed Elton Brand, and then reestablish themselves on the fast break once Brand got injured. This off-season however the Sixers have been unable to sustain the momentum they built after Brand went down. Arguably the most important piece of the Sixers running attack was point guard Andre Miller. He was the guy who made everything go, and Philly’s brass decided he wasn’t worth more than a one-year deal.

This means that for better or worse the Louis Williams era is now. One of the last guys to slip into the draft before Stern enacted the age limit, Williams has shown flashes, and was at times spectacular off the bench last year. However his game is scoring, not facilitating. Same goes for his apparent backup in the rookie out of UCLA Jrue Holliday.

Projected Lineup

PG- Louis Williams

SG- Andre Igoudala

SF- Thaddeus Young

PF- Elton Brand

C- Sam Dalembert

Bench- Kapono, Holliday, Speights

What this means for the fans- If you put Miller back on this team, this is a squad that can compete in the East. It is asking a lot of Williams to go from a SG off the bench to running the show on a team trying to win an NBA championship. I mean that’s the goal right? I guess not in Philly. With under $60 million committed to the payroll this season, and other teams afraid to pull the trigger before the free agent bonanza of 2010, this could have been a big year for Philly. Instead the fans will be stuck watching a rudder-less ship as Elton Brand lumbers up and down the court.

Verdict- Their head is above water for now, but losing Miller hurts, and losses won’t increase ticket sales. I bet Philly has a whole team of interns manning ESPN’s trade machine trying to find a scenario in which they can rid themselves of Brand.

The Portland Trailblazers

Off-Season Moves- Yikes! This team has come such a long way from the jailblazers squad that terrorized the Pacific Northwest. Quick, guess how much the Blazers have committed against the cap this year . . . $55 freaking million. Quick, guess who is their highest paid player . . . Darius freaking Miles. That’s right Miles finally comes off the books after this year, as do most of the players on the payroll. Next year the Blazers have only committed to around $19 million in contracts, not including very team friendly options for Rudy Fernandez, Jerryd Bayless, and Nic Batum. Meaning that they are going to be able to resign Roy, plus Aldridge and still be HUGE players in the most exciting free agent pool of my life-time.

But all this flexibility in the future hasn’t come at the cost of winning now. The Blazer’s biggest move so far has been to lock up the aforementioned Andre Miller at $7 million for 2 years with a team option for a third year. You can’t tell me that teams out West aren’t shaking in their boots at the thought of Miller replacing Steve Blake. Yeah that’s right Steve Blake. Unless you were Steve Blake’s mom, or his agent I bet you didn’t realize that last year he was getting major minutes on a playoff team.

Projected Lineup

PG- Andre Miller

SG- Brandon Roy

SF- Martell Webster (Although Batum may push him)

PF- LaMarcus Aldridge

C- Greg Oden

Bench- Pryzbilla, Fernandez, Batum, Outlaw, Bayless.

What This Means For The Fans- Geez, that team is deep. They can bring in wave after wave of athletic wing players who can all shoot. The turn around this team has made is shocking, and even in a down economy they have handled the salary cap well enough that they were in a position to address their biggest need (a legitimate pg) while other teams were forced to stand pat or shed salary. Fans will be treated to an exciting team full of characters (in a good way for once,) that will be in a position to be contenders for years to come.

Verdict- Blazer’s owner Paul Allen is one of the richest men on the planet, but he hasn’t spent recklessly, and it should pay off as the Blazers are poised for a nice little run the next few years. For $7 million dollars Blazers fans will be treated to a player in Miller with a true pg skill set, hopefully he’ll throw in the hilariously bad corn rows for free. Cross your fingers.

-Jesse

Next Up: Dallas, and New Orleans

An Ode To Powe

With the Celtics’ signing of Rasheed Wallace and tendering an offer to Glen Big Baby Davis making him restricted free agent, it has become obvious that there was no longer a place on the payroll for Leon Powe. However unlike the roster, the space Leon occupied in my heart will not be so easily filled. The scrappy 2^nd round draft pick out of California was beloved in Boston for his physicality, work ethic, and stubborn belief that the only way to finish a drop step was with a hammer dunk. Even though the back-rimmed dunks may have outnumbered the made lay-ups, Boston fans were treated to a player who played his heart out every time he stepped on the floor. Leon’s season in 2009 was curtailed by knee injuries, and Big Baby’s emergence in the playoffs paved the way for Boston and Leon to part ways. Although Powe’s reign lasted only 3 short years, the man whom KG confused for a security guard when he first joined the Celtics will not be forgotten. So, as I often do in times of sadness and confusion, I turn to the ancient art of haiku to help soothe my scorched soul. Enjoy . . .

Leon, although six points a game was all you averaged

The Tommy points flowed towards you like a magnet to true north, and

No Celtic fan will forget the Walton you ravaged

Yes I realize that the haiku wasn’t in traditional 5-7-5 format. It’s called free form son! Look it up. It’s still better than J.J.’s work.

Jesse

Artest v. Kobe: Battle of the Crazy

It’s been almost a month since I wrote a post ridiculing Kobe Bryant. That’s far too long. Since Ron Artest signed with the Lakers last week I’ve noticed a whole lot of “If Ron-Ron can keep his head glued on straight the Lakers should cruise to the finals.” It seems that no one can mention Artest’s name without including the fact that he’s crazy. Yeah, yeah we get it, he went into the stands in Detroit and rolled some scared white folks. But that was four years ago, does Ron really still deserve this reputation as a head case? Kobe Bryant on the other hand just won his first solo championship and is riding the highest crest of his career. When discussing the Lakers chances in 2010 I’ve yet to hear one “If Kobe can stay out of trouble this year the Lakers will probably cruise to the finals.” But this is Kobe we’re talking about, just because he hasn’t waded into the stands doesn’t mean he isn’t seriously disturbed. So, let’s break it down, who is crazier Kobe or Ron Ron?

On the Court

Kobe- 2009 was a renaissance of sorts for Kobe. This year saw the release of “Kobe: Doin’ Work” and saw his reputation change from malignant tumor to team leader/coach on the floor. But let’s not forget the other Kobe Bryant, the one who forced the Lakers to ship off Shaq so he could be “the man.” The guy who when the team struggled, demanded to be traded, only to nix a potential deal to Chicago because they would have had to gut their roster to complete the trade. Kobe spent the entire post-Shaq, pre-Pau period sulking, taking bad shots, not passing, and yelling at Kwame Brown (well we can forgive him for that last one.)

Perhaps the most egregious example of Kobe’s attitude during this era came during the first round of the 2006 playoffs against the Sun. The Lakers jumped out to a 3-1 lead on an undermanned Phoenix squad who because of injuries had been forced to rely heavily on the immortal Tim Thomas. In game 7 with the Lakers in full choke mode, Kobe spent the entire second half not shooting in an apparent effort to prove to his detractors that the team can’t win without him taking 40 shots, ending with Bryant pouting on the bench.

Ron Ron- On the court Artest is known as a bully, who uses his reputation and physical largess to intimidate opponents. This reputation stems in large part from his storming of the stands in Detroit in 2004. But let’s not forget, that incident was instigated when Artest was doused with a drink after being separated from Ben Wallace. Ron snapped, and went looking for the guy who threw the Diet Pepsi at him, the beating wasn’t exactly unprovoked.

After the Brawl Artest has been a model citizen on the court in both Sacramento and Houston. Anyone who watched the playoffs this year could tell that he was the heart and soul of a scrappy Rockets squad.

Bottom Line: I’ll take emotional, but dedicated over petulant and sensitive every day.

Advantage Ron Ron

Off the Court

Kobe- The events that went down in 2003 in Colorado are the dark cloud that will forever hang over Kobe Bryant’s career. At best Kobe is guilty of adultery, at worst rape. Since then Kobe and his handlers have been painstakingly rehabbing his image into that of a dedicated father and husband. I don’t remember seeing footage of any other superstar’s wife and children greeting him in the tunnel after every home playoff game. Kobe went from being the bright young face of the league to the “Black Mamba,” a calculated villain, who cares more about his reputation than he does his team.

Ron Ron- While with Sacramento in 2007 Artest was convicted of domestic abuse, and spent 10 days in jail.

Bottom Line: I refuse to decide which is worse, they’re both disgusting. My general rule in life is that ties go against Kobe, but both of these are too deplorable to be judged.

Advantage Push

Both men are clearly unstable, but Artest’s on-court behavior has been less of a drag on the team. The fortunes of the 2010 Lakers rest more squarely on the whims of Bryant than Artest. Ron Ron is nothing if not a good soldier on the floor, and fans under the delusion that the relationship will work because Kobe will keep Artest in line must have slept through the past six years. So let me be the first, if Kobe Bryant can control his undeniable sociopathic bent, the Lakers will go through the Western Conference like a hot Ron Artest through a cold crowd.

-Jesse

Jesse: Draft in Review

In true blogger fashion I feel obligated to share my thoughts on the draft. Now in convenient bulletin format! To read Sam’s breakdown click here, or stop being lazy and scroll down.

• I love that Orlando-New Jersey trade . . . for the Celtics. Now the 5 best players for the Magic all fancy themselves as the number one option. I think it will be absolutely impossible to keep Vince, Dwight, Hedo (assuming they resign him), Lewis and Nelson happy. Nelson as the point guard especially is more of a scorer than a facilitator, and I think the Magic will struggle to integrate all of these ball hogs into their system. Courtney Lee was one of those glue guys that every championship team needs. A Derek Fisher type who defends, scraps and hits open shots. I think he will be missed in Orlando. But on the plus side for the Magic I would be very surprised if Ryan Anderson doesn’t develop into a poor man’s Dirk Nowitzki, I think that’s a good thing. Right?
• I completely disagree with Sam’s assessment of Minnesota’s draft. I don’t see how Flynn and Rubio can work in the same backcourt together. Both guys are true points who demand the ball and neither one of them can defend a shooting guard. It seemed like Kahn just hedged his bets that one of the two will develop. The gutsy thing to do would have been to draft the once a decade shooter in Stephen Curry. Curry plus Rubio would have brought some much needed flair and excitement to a franchise in need of some invigoration. With the trade of Miller and Foye there is no one left on that roster who can shoot well enough to keep opponents from doubling or tripling Big Al. This strikes me as a poor attempt to emulate Danny Ainge’s blue print of stockpiling assets and trading them for superstars. The Celtics situation was more about luck than careful planning. The Celts had missed out on Oden and Durant and were going to be stuck drafting Yi. Had Boston had the chance to take a serviceable player with that number five pick, I think they would have missed out on Ray Allen. Minnesota had a great shooting guard staring them in the face and turned it down.
• So the Cavaliers glide through the regular season, leaving a wake of destruction, then get upset in the Conference Finals because they can’t match up with Orlando’s size on the perimeter and they remedy this by trading for Shaquille O’Neal? Is the Big Aristotle going to guard Rashard Lewis? Sure the Cavs had trouble defending Dwight Howard, but their fatal flaw was that Delonte West and Mo Williams weren’t big enough to keep Rashard Lewis and Hedo Turkgolu from raining three-point death down upon them. I think that the Finals against the Lakers proved that the Cavalier’s inability to stop Howard stemmed more from poor strategy than a lack of talent. Also LeBron is best when he’s barreling to the hoop with reckless abandon, but with Shaq clogging up the lane on offense those forays to the hoops might become farther and farther between.
• On the plus side for the Cavs all they lose is money, and Shaq’s $20 million comes off the books during the summer of LeBron. Plus the Diesel does have an impressive track record of winning when paired with a dominant wing player. But I’ll believe this one when I see it.
• Larry Bird loves him some white folks. Adding Hansbrough to a group that already includes Troy Murphy, Mike Dunleavy Jr., Jeff Foster and Travis Diener means that if Danny Granger gets injured the Pacers could be throwing a complete white out on the floor in certain situations. Maybe the Legend can figure out a way to acquire Brian Cardinal and this guy. What? Too soon?

-Jesse

Sam: Draft in Review

All in all, it was a pretty entertaining draft. It's a shame that all the crazy trades that have occurred over the last few days didn't occur all within a two hour span, causing Stuart Scott's good eye to go wide in shock while the other blinks independently with uncontrollable excitement. The only substantial-ish trade on draft night was the Q-Rich for Darko swap, which is exciting for exactly two reasons: the pained, overdramatic reaction of Knicks fans, and the reunion of Q-Rich and Darius Miles. Headpound!

There never has been, nor will there ever be a draft moment as hilarious as when Earl Clark was drafted by the Suns at fifteen. "Earl Clark is not here tonight...... BUT......", followed by a surprise appearance from Brandon Jennings. I kept hoping that whenever someone was drafted without being present that they'd have Brandon Jennings accept the Commissioner's handshake on their behalf, but to no avail. Likewise, the thirty seconds or so before it was announced that the Wolves weren't keeping Ty Lawson were great, especially the shot of a very confused Roy Williams counting the number of point guards the Wolves had taken on his fingers.

Speaking of that, I think the Wolves had the best draft of the night by far. People are giving them flak for not drafting Stephen Curry, but I think Flynn is just as good a pick. The Wolves could have definitely used the scoring that Curry may have brought to the table, assuming his game translates well enough to the NBA, but the Wolves need defense just as badly as they need scoring. David Kahn seems like a pretty sharp guy, and I don't see any reason to blame him for taking the best guy he thought was still left, especially when he fills their needs. Rubio and Flynn aren't as ideal as Rubio or Flynn and James Harden, but they should be able to play together just fine. The Wolves aren't competing for a championship anytime soon, so for now they can play their two point guards, decide which one they like better, and eventually move one of them if it's not working out. Flynn also gives the Wolves an insurance policy in case Rubio can't find a way out of his buyout over the next year or two, which isn't ideal for Minnesota but doesn't cripple them if they have to wait until Ricky is a spry twenty years old to come over.

A couple more thoughts on the draft:

• It's going to be interesting to see how the Amare Stoudemire trade plays out in light of the Warriors drafting Stephen Curry. I already mentioned that I wasn't sure he'd be a star player, but he's certainly a good prospect. The rumored deal was already practically highway robbery for the Suns, but throwing in the draft pick is just a bad idea.

• The Nets have a really good young core now that they've added Courtney Lee via trade and Terrance Williams through the draft.

• Scott Skiles is going to hate Brandon Jennings for some reason and never play him, which is too bad because the Bucks could really use a pure point like him.

• I think Thabeet is going to be a good player in the Dikembe-mold, but I doubt he's going to be able to play very well at the same time with Marc Gasol, who turned out to be a pretty good player in his own right. Thabeet's bright silver suit was also second only to James Harden's bow tie.

• Not that there were many good players left when by that time, but the Pistons selected a 6'11", 190 pound guy. Worse than that, Austin Daye has a reputation for being lazy. It's almost like Joe Dumars fell down in his office and got badly hurt so he's making bad moves like crazy so someone will come in and check on him.

• Even the Austin Daye pick wasn't the worst of the first round. The Cavaliers drafted Christian Eyenga with the last pick of the draft. Eyenga, who wasn't projected to be drafted at all, is a player who only entered the draft so he wouldn't be drafted so he could avoid the rookie pay scale structure if he ever decided to come over to the NBA.

-Sam

Tweet, Tweet or Why Ignorance Really is Bliss

Twitter, the 140 character, constantly updated from the blackberry, black mark on society. Software so powerful it has the ability to turn otherwise intelligent people into blabbering 14 year old girls. LOLROFLOMG!! What happens when you combine this source of pure unadulterated narcissism with professional athletes? Horror. Whether players are Tweeting in the locker room at half time, or from the comfort of home, the results are always the same; they put a gun to the head of the English language and pull the trigger, scattering brains and blood as far as the eye can see. No prisoners are taken, no quarter is ever given. What you’re about to see are actual posts from actual NBA players. In an effort to be as fair as possible I only used posts from players who attended college. You’ve been warned. Let the butchering begin.

Shaq: Everyone loves the Big Aristotle, and interviews with Shaq are often truthful, insightful and entertaining. His Twitter account on the other hand is anything but.

THE_REAL_SHAQO lance armstrong I challenge you on a time trail anytime anywere, I dnt smell fear do I, smmmmm smmmmmm dats the sniffn sound

7:27 PM Jun 19th from TwitterBerry

THE_REAL_SHAQKevin hart is the funniest tall midget ever, lol, lmfao, dnt tell. Kevin whateva u do. Plssss shhhhhhh

8:05 PM Jun 17th from TwitterBerry

Wilson Chandler: It would appear that English is not the first language of this promising young player for the Knicks.

RT @JohannPaddl: @Will_Chandler yea dawg throw some machine gun funk n everyday struggle wit big on that list, take pain wit 2pac as well!

about 3 hours ago from UberTwitter

Paul Pierce: Oh not the Truth too. What an advertisement for the University of Kansas.

Lakers vs orlando. Looked like a german sherperd vs a poodle that's ok the rotwieler celtics will b back in 2o10

4:06 PM Jun 17th from txt

Ok that’s enough I can’t take it anymore. My question is: who is handling these guys? There isn’t a public relations person on staff for the Celtics, Knicks or Suns who could spend a few hours a day transcribing this muck into English? Is it good for these players’ images to let the whole world know that they are borderline illiterate? In order to access these “Tweets” I signed up for a Twitter account, and I gave it a test run to make sure that it has spell check. It does, red lines abound.

The Internet has allowed fans to have unprecedented access into the lives of their favorite athletes. No longer is conventional media the filter through which we learn about players' personalities. But now that we’ve seen the sheer unvarnished truth is it too late to bring back newspapers? Truthfully part of the problem is the format. Twitter emphasizes brevity, and as a result deemphasizes grammar and sentence structure. Nevertheless I liked Shaq better when I could believe he had some sort of grasp on his native language. Although not as insidious as performance enhancing drugs, or players with rap sheets of violent crimes a mile long, Twitter offers fans a view of their favorite players that maybe they shouldn't have. I find that the more I know about some of the players in the sports I love, the less there is to like.

-Jesse

For a list of NBA players with Twitter accounts check here.

Why I Enjoy NBA Draft Night More Than My Own Birthday

Last year for my birthday I got a large cooking pot. Don't get me wrong, I've been happily boiling water in that thing for spaghetti since then, but a you get older your birthdays start to lose a little bit of the flash they used to have. There's no real point it starts, but somewhere along the way you stop getting exciting things like the Ninja Turtle Party Van and start getting practical things like oven mitts. Thankfully, I have the NBA Draft once a year to replace the childhood sized hole in my heart.

The Draft has everything that anyone could want in entertainment. It's probably only second to the trading deadline for number of trades, and there's something about seeing them unfold live that makes even the dud trades that much more exciting. There's no reason you should ever call your frantically call one of your friends to discuss Denver trading a future second round pick for Sonny Weems, but you do it anyway because it's Draft Night. Waiting to see who's the last person in the green room to drafted is always dramatic, especially as he begins to squirm as he tumbles out of the lottery and into the late first round. Every year a lottery team will hilariously draft someone you've never heard of or reach too early for a big name college player who is almost certain not to translate well to the NBA. We're almost certain to see all these things happen a week from tonight, and here's a few of the things I'm going to be keeping an eye out for.

Where Art Thou, Rubio? Okay, everyone saw Ricky Rubio tear it up against Team USA in the Olympics as a seventeen year old last year. He's the best point guard prospect in a draft that is seemingly entirely point guards. Memphis is interested in him and has even said they'll draft him even if he doesn't want to play there, which he probably doesn't. I'm personally rooting for Rubio to fall to Sacramento and their desperate point guard void, and terrified of him being drafted by Oklahoma City despite the presence of Russell Westbrook.

The Next Jalen Rose. Someone is bound to wear a hideous suit. It's like Oscar night for the sports enthusiast. Fashions fade, but style is eternal.

Trades Galore! Maybe, maybe not. Some experts are suggesting that, because of the economy, there won't be a lot of trade action this year even with all the 2010 excitement for expiring contracts. I'm hoping this isn't true, as being surprised with trades the instant they happen is probably the most exciting part of the night. This year I'm expecting the Knicks to sign and trade David Lee and/or Nate Robinson almost entirely for the sake of not having big salaries in 2010. David Kahn, the new Timberwolves GM, has also said that he's looking to make a big splash.

Someone Is Going To Waste a Pick on Tyler Hansbourogh. It's going to be really, really funny when they do.

-Sam

Red vs. Phil

I live in the Northeast.  When I drive around in my car I occasionally listen to sports talk radio.  Combining both of these factors means than in the past 12 hours I have heard someone tell me that Red Auerbach was a better coach than Phil Jackson approximately 118 times.  If I had the misfortune of living on the opposite coast (shudder) I’m sure that this morning my radio dial would be buzzing with support for the Zen Master.  Although both sides can craft compelling arguments for their candidate, I’ve yet to hear anyone construct the argument in the proper way.  The question isn’t; who is the better coach?  The question is; what is a more impressive accomplishment, Jackson’s 10 championships in the modern era, or Red’s 9 championships including 8 in a row?  Let’s break it down.

 

The Competition:

This factor is pretty clearly in Jackson’s corner.  Red coached in the NBA when it had only 10 teams, whereas Phil has won all his championships in an era with 30 teams plus. Red also coached before the advent of free agency, meaning that once you put together a dominant team it was easier to keep it together every year.

The Bottom Line: The bigger the league the harder it is to win.

Advantage Phil

The Franchises:

Red was at the helm of the most dominant franchise in the history of professional sports.   The 8 championships in a row is unlikely to be matched in any sport.  In his 20 years on the bench Red won eleven Eastern Conference titles, nine NBA championships, and 938 games.  In addition to the 9 championships Red won as a coach, he collected 7 more rings as a General Manager.

Phil has won his 10 championships with two different organizations: two three-peats with Jordan’s Bulls, another three-peat with Shaq and Kobe, and this latest title with Kobe and Pau Gasol.

The Bottom Line: Red’s loyalty to one team wins out here.

Advantage Red. 

 

The Nuts and Bolts:  

Red coached in a time before there was the specialization we see in the NBA today. Red had no assistant coaches; he was coach, the GM, the traveling secretary, and probably the janitor.  He was expected not only to buy the groceries, and cook the dinner, but do the dishes afterwards as well.

Phil has guided his teams in an era of big money where every organization carries multiple assistants and has advance scouts who ensure that the head coach’s job is as specialized as possible.  In fact long-time assistant Tex Winter developed Phil’s greatest strategic advantage, the triangle offense.   However this point also works in Phil’s favor. Red coached in a time when he just had to be smarter than a dozen other people.  Phil has to outthink hundreds.  Today every play from every player is broken down dozens of times before every game.  Coaches know the strengths and weaknesses of the opposition, and mid game adjustments are more important than ever.

Bottom Line: Although Red had more on his plate, the job of an NBA coach is tougher today.

Advantage Phil.

 

Legacy:

In 1950 Red was the first coach/GM in the NBA to break the color barrier when he drafted Chuck Cooper.  By 1964 he became the first coach to start an all black starting five, and when he retired from coaching in 1966 he hired Bill Russell as the first black head coach of an NBA franchise.  And let's not forget that the backdrop for all of these accomplishments was the notoriously racist city of Boston.

Championships and the progressive ideals aside, Red is perhaps best known as a gregarious, dominating and engaging personality.  The image of Red sitting on the bench contentedly puffing on the ever-present victory cigar is indelibly impressed on the mind of every NBA fan. 

It is a little early to judge Phil’s legacy, but beyond the titles he will be remembered for the hippy zen stuff, calling Kobe “uncoachable” in his autobiography, the triangle offense, and this basketball card.  Yet ultimately Jackson’s legacy is too tied up in the players he coached.  Twenty years from now, in a game of word association the name Jordan will be recalled more than Jackson when discussing the Bulls.  The same goes for Shaq and Kobe with the Lakers.

The Bottom Line: When Red died, Paul Pierce cried.

Advantage Red.

 

Damn, that leaves it at 2-2 . . . I need a tie breaker.  This'll do. 

Good enough for me.

 

-Jesse

Death of a Shooter

The reality of pain, and the joy of laughter


My hopes and dreams shattered
by the miscalculation of my own situation


It's difficult to keep my nerves patient


Facing the forecast of fears
that none of my peers have ever been faced with


I wanna reach the top floor, but I'm stuck in the basement

-Excerpt of an actual poem by J.J. Redick

While watching game two of the NBA finals the question may have crossed your mind, “who was that awkward looking white guy running around during crunch time for the Magic?”  That my friends, was the greatest scorer in the history of the Atlantic Coast Conference, one J.J. Redick.  It’s hard to believe that the same player who set college basketball on fire while at Duke with his smooth stroke and penchant for knocking down the big shot, is the same guy missing open threes, making silly turnovers and getting burned on D in the NBA.

Coming out of college most people agreed that Redick was a project whose upside was more Steve Kerr than Rick Barry.  But could anyone guess that he would be this big of a bust?  Three years ago it was difficut to imagine that the guy pitching me Better Basketball videos would be shooting 37% from behind the arc in the League. Since most of Redick’s shots are of the wide-open variety, coming as a result of a double team kick-out by Dwight Howard it seems hard to believe he would struggle like he does.  The conventional wisdom when J.J. came out of Duke was that at the very least he would be a consistent, if not spectacular spot up shooter in the NBA, someone coaches would have to hide on D but who could be counted on to stretch defenses. Yet, over and over again Redick has frustrated Orlando fans with his inconsistency shooting a shot that used to be his bread and butter.  Without any athleticism to speak of, or a knack for finding open teammates, Redick has become a black hole of sadness on the court.

The man who stood above names like Jordan, Carter, and Hill while at Duke, has been benched in the NBA for a Frenchman and a guy from Western Kentucky.  So this begs the question, “why?”  Is it a lack of confidence, has he lost his focus on the fundamentals, is the lack of athleticism finally catching up with him? No, all of those are too obvious, it must be something deeper, something like the faux-hawk.

Can it be a fluke that Redick’s shooting ability took a downward turn as soon as his hair started pointing up?  I’m not sure, but that seems like a pretty big coincidence to me.  Notice that Duke J.J. kept it cropped close, know why?  Because he was too busy practicing his freaking shooting to worry about sculpting his hair.  At Duke Redick must have had a very structured regime.  I imagine it went something like this.

8 a.m.- 9.a.m.- Wake up, eat breakfast

9 a.m.- 11 a.m.- Practice shooting threes

11 a.m.- 1 p.m.- Practice shooting threes

1 p.m.- 3 p.m.- Write bad poetry

3 p.m.- 4 p.m.- Practice shooting threes

4 p.m.- 5 p.m.- Practice shooting threes

5 p.m.- 5:30 p.m.- Polish Shelden Williams’ forehead

5:30 p.m.- 10 p.m.- Practice shooting threes

10 p.m.- 8 a.m.- Dream about shooting threes

See how regimented that is?  Now that J.J.’s in the league he’s clearly reprioritized his day and over accommodated for the personal grooming.  The solution?  It won’t be easy but someone needs to kick J.J. of the comb and grease habit and get him back to working on the stroke.  If Stan the Man was smart he would hire the one and only Jeff Hornacek as an assistant coach.  If Patrick Ewing can be Howard’s personal mentor, why can’t J.J. have a little guidance?  Few in the history of the NBA have ever matched Horny’s combination of no-nonsense hair and cold-blooded long range bombing.  Jeff never had to worry about losing his grip on the ball due to greasy fingers, or whether the tweens in the crowd thought he was hot.  Nope, Horny would wet his fingers, push the hair to one side, then go out on the court and rip the hearts out of opposing shooting guards.

The solution is simple, if J.J. ever hopes to become a serviceable NBA player he needs to take a page from The Hornacek.  Leave the hair care for the ladies and start balling.

-Jesse