The Top 5 Funniest Things about the 2009 NBA Season so far

2009 is only a few weeks old but already NBA fans have been treated to more than our fair share of side splitting moments. The NBA: Where Unintentional Comedy Happens. Here is my top 5 in reverse order.

5) Watching Shaq try to play defense- Come on Shaq, do you really want to be remembered as the guy who couldn’t guard Andrea Bargnani? Shaq was never exactly a defensive stalwart, but watching this guy stumble around defending pick and rolls is sad . . . or hilarious if you’re a Celtics/Magic/Spurs/Lakers fan.

4) Brandon Jennings dropping 55 points on the Warriors- 55 points!?! Really? Shouldn’t Monta Ellis be fined for allowing this to happen? A 19 year old rookie point guard (the hardest NBA position to adjust to) who skips college and rides the pine in Europe for the year puts up 55 points in November in a regulation game against a guy who makes $11 million a year? Tell me again why Don Nelson won’t start Anthony Randolph?

3) Josh McRoberts’ Hair- Front view, back view. Excellent, Josh you bring honor to your clan. Assuming your clan is Amish, and not people who keep mirrors and grooming products in their house.

2) Ron Artest Throwing Away Trevor Ariza’s Shoe and Nailing a 3- Here is the video in case you missed it. Yes Ron-Ron, thank you, this goes down as one of the most brilliant moves in NBA history. What are the odds that Artest starts stepping on heels trying to dislodge shoes on a regular basis now? I mean this worked out so well, what’s stopping him? I can’t think of a single player in the league who would get in his face about it. Stern would have to get involved and create some hilariously asinine rule banning the dislodging and discarding of another player’s clothing. Keep it up Ron I’m itching to write another installment of Bringing the Crazy.

1) Stephen Jackson’s Face after learning he was traded to the Bobcats- I imagine it looked something like the face you make when someone farts in the car while you're driving home from the grocery store. As soon as the smell hits your nose your lips curl up and your brow furrows while you look around furiously searching for someone to blame. Finally your face relaxes and settles into a quizzical expression while you contemplate whether the stench will spoil the milk. Yeah, Cap’t Jack and Larry Brown, I’m sure they’ll get along just great. I bet playing with Boris Diaw will be just as much fun as playing with LeBron would be. As a Celtics fan I feel like I owe Danny Ferry a “thank you” card for not pulling the trigger on this.

-Jesse

The Reggie Miller All-Stars

Lists! Everyone loves lists! The roster of the Reggie Miller All-Stars is composed of the 9 players who I personally find to be the most annoying players in the game. What does it take to tickle my irrational hate bone? Well, it could be anything; flopping, complaining, lack of hustle, annoying facial tics, or maybe I just don’t like their face. Who knows, the point is I won’t be able to sleep until these players are given the comeuppance that only my sweet Internet justice can supply. Please note that coming off the bench for the RMAS doesn’t make you any less annoying, it just means you’re also not a very good player.

Power Forward: Rasheed Wallace- There is still something about watching Sheed argue with refs that makes me want to scream, “enough all ready we get it.” The fact that he’s usually right can only go so far to mitigate his annoying outbursts, put your hands down Sheed, and close you enormous mouth, the refs aren’t getting any better. Plus he has pointy teeth.

Center: Shaquille O’Neal- Everyone has now officially noticed that Shaq is a terrible basketball player, right? Being a huge celebrity doesn’t win NBA championships, yet somehow Shaq going to the Cavs still lands him on the cover of Sports Illustrated. The guy is a backup center at best. Also can we just stop talking about how Shaq wants to be cop? OMG can you imagine being pulled over by Shaq? LOL. Shut up.

Small Forward: James Posey- Watching James during the 2007-2008 Celtics run was both an exhilarating and frustrating experience. On one hand we had the clutch 3s and on the other hand we had the shameless flopping masquerading as shut down defense. Now that Posey has moved on to the Hornets I feel no such conflict. Posey’s patented move is the old “set the block to block screen, and then dive on the floor and yell as soon as I make contact with the defender.” Ughh.

Shooting Guard: Kobe Bryant- There are thousands of reasons why Kobe should make this list, but I’m going to choose just one. I hate, hate, hate watching an interview with Kobe because of the way he licks his lips after every sentence. If your lips are so dry go buy some freaking chapstick, just stop subjecting me to your annoying unconscious tics. I can’t be the only one who’s noticed this right?

Point Guard: Chris Paul- Did everyone who is in love with CP3 forget that he took a shot at Julius Hodge’s baby maker while the two were in the ACC? Sure Paul is a great player, but he’s also a flopper and a cheap shot artist. His patented move in the league has been to blow by his defender off the dribble, then slow down in front of them, and flop when the defender runs into his back. Plus as my friend Bill recently pointed out he looks exactly like a skinny Carlton Banks.

Bench: Joakim Noah- I just want to hold Joakim down and shave his head. How could the son of a professional tennis player and model turn out so screwy? Also there is the whole playing up to crowds on the road and swinging at cheerleaders thing.

Bench: Sasha Vujacic- At least Sasha finally got a haircut but this flopping, complaining, shoulder shrugging ninny is beyond frustrating to watch. Ray Allen lighting him on fire during the 2008 NBA Finals was one of the most satisfying moments of my basketball fandom.

Bench: Reggie Evans- Our second testicle related player! Trying to castrate Chris Kaman is enough to make this list for the rest of your life. I have nothing else to say.

Bench: Brad Miller- Miller’s face just drives me crazy. He plays the entire game with a look that is half incredulous and half holding back tears. Brad also has the stupidest tattoos in the entire league. And-1 indeed Brad.

-Jesse